Ramblings from the life of an ADD mom

New blog...

2009-10-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

So, friends, it's official. I made the switch. Since I'm moving forward with photography, I felt the name of my blog needed to match up with my website. So, if you would be so gracious, please head on over to:
www.amypphotos.blogspot.com

And if you'd ever like to check out my website, feel free to go to:
www.amypphotos.showitsite.com

I hope you'll join me over there! You have no idea how much I appreciate you taking time out of your day to check out my stories and the stories of others!

I have been away for awhile

2009-10-23T18:51:00.001-07:00

I know I have been away for awhile...

But it is all because some new things are brewing

A new blog address

A new website

and new stories from my life and the lives of other awesome people

Heck, I even have a new email

Stay tuned for the complete rollout

Here is a taste of whats to come...

There's a lot to come...

2009-10-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

So many stories, so little time. This has been a full few weeks of adorable children, beautiful couples and so much more. I don't have time to post much because I am shooting my amazing friend's wedding in Louisville this weekend, but here's a taste of what's to come. Soon. I swear.

I'm a Mess

2009-09-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today I doubt everything. Today I am a mess. Today I want to run and hide.
I am overwhelmed. I am inadequate. I feel alone. I feel judged. I feel stupid. And I feel like running from it all.
But today, I feel that gentle whisper that’s glued to my soul. The deep places of my heart quietly remind me. He loves me. And He is here. And He will carry me when I need it. And He will wipe my tears when I find that taking one more step seems too scary for me. And He said that He goes before me and beside me. And even when everything within me screams failure and impossible and whatever other hopeless words come to mind, He screams beloved, cherished, possible and faithful.
So, with that in mind, I put before you some pictures of two constant reminders of that love in my life. (And I need to put a picture up of the third soon, that amazing husband of mine…) Because when I look at them and my heart gushes like Niagra Falls in the middle of a downpour and I realize that in my imperfection I cherish them this much…I guess He does love me like He says He does. I think He really means it.

I Heart Faces - Week 37

2009-09-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

Life is full of giggles for her. Running, singing and random acts of dancing define her. She is passionate, excited and typically unbridled. That's why I find this picture so compelling. I caught her.
This week I Heart Faces is having a completely candid competition. For lots of other great photos, head on over here and check them out:

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this photo as much as I do...

Nicole and Cam

2009-09-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

"Amy, I just wanted to call and let you know, I found out I'm pregnant. And it's a boy." She actually found out all that information in one day. When Nicole went to the doctor to find out why she was feeling sick, she received a completely unexpected diagnosis. That was the day she found out she was 6 months pregnant and in a few weeks, an adorable little man would be making his way into her home.
I would have died. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Quite honestly - I cried. (For clarification, I have since learned that Hannah was one of the greatest things that ever could have happened to me) And I found out at the beginning. I had those nine-seems-like-eternity/excruciatingly long months to prepare. And pray. And be overwhelmed. Nicole on the other hand, embraced the quick turn of events in a beautiful (and highly organized - no wonder she helps coordinate weddings...) way. With the help of her amazing mother and friends, she prepared herself to welcome one of the most adorable little men I've ever laid eyes on. Nicole is beautiful, brave, patient and so many other things I would like to be.
She gave me a precious opportunity to spend a little part of the morning together with them. Though he had some hard moments I was overwhelmed with emotion as I watched Nicole patiently wrap him up in heaps of love. Enjoy precious little Cam. His photos bring tears to my eyes. And Nicole, thank you so much for letting me spend time with you guys. Watching you two interact reminded me of how thankful I should be for every moment.
(Side note - for any horizontal photos, just click on the photo to see the whole thing. In my lack of technological prowess, I have not yet been able to widen my blog so that these fit.)

Recipe for Greatness

2009-09-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

1. Find the most adorable little lady you possibly can. (I'm in luck - I live with her on a daily basis.)

2. Whisk her off to a surprise filled day.

3. Have her get her nails done. (Working at a spa does make this easier)

4. Go to the city. Soak in every moment...AKA don't answer your cell phone or even check it

5. Explore.

6. Make up songs.

7. Snuggle at dinner.

8. Get ice cream. Totally get ice cream.

9. Go to the beach and prepare to get wet and sandy. Running full force into the water is a must - hand in hand.

10. Whenever possible - repeat. (As a side note, there will probably be a large-esque cleaning task ahead of you after your sand-filled friend enters the car. But alas, you'll smile every time you find grains of sand in your car - I promise)

Part 2

2009-09-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

I took more and more photos and harassed some of my friends into being models for me so I could practice. And I started asking God for a new camera because I was finding that I was at a point where my camera was holding me back from where I wanted to go.
Enter my parents. The people who would bend over backwards to help anyone – yeah, that’s them. Honestly, they probably thought I was nuts. But they listened to my excitement and joy over photography and entertained my dreams of becoming a wedding and family photographer. At least they probably enjoyed the extra pictures of the grandkids… But what they were about to do, I could not have been prepared for.
Before I continue, there’s something you must know. My parents have never had much. My dad was raised in a family and a time period when getting a piece of fruit for Christmas was considered an amazing luxury. My parents have as a married couple have served within the church for years where they have often given their lives and time away for very little monetary compensation. (Though they would tell you that the people have been worth every minute…or at least most of them…hee hee) So I grew up in a family that didn’t have much. We weren’t lacking anything, but we lived a little more simply. Add to this that the past 5 years have been a little difficult for them to say the least. They were caught in the middle of a very difficult church situation and they needed to leave. They put their house on sale at that point. And they waited for God. And waited. And waited. And they’re still waiting.
[Side note: They are not JUST waiting. I could tell you beautiful stories of what they’ve been up to]
As you can imagine, their income is less than what it had been…and the original wasn’t that much. The stock market has….done it’s thing, for lack of a better phrase. So needless to say, you would not see money growing on their trees.
Now back to my story…I call my parents almost everyday. It started because I wanted to check on them. These precious people had been through a lot. And I just wanted to be a loud voice in their lives letting them know that we loved them, we KNEW they were following God, to be a sounding board for all they wanted to process and to flood them with reminders that we were in it with them.
And then it turned. They helped carry me through very lonely times in life. We became even closer than we had ever been. They inspired me by how they handled the difficult things they were dealt. I got to see what a changed, awesome man my dad had become. My mom had become one of my closest friends and we got to talk about God in this awesome way. So…I still call them almost every day because they’re great. (And they put up with my random stories, my crazy ideas and everything else)
One day I was talking to my mom at work. I told her about how I wanted a new camera, but there was no way we could afford it and I’d just have to wait. And it wasn’t one of those – I’m trying to hint here kind of moments. I just tell her most everything. She asked how much one would cost and I told her. No big deal. I let her get back to work and went about my day of tickling adorable baby bellies and dancing the robot with my 3 year old. (Ya know, normal run of the mill stuff…)
A few days later she picked up the phone and asked me for my bank account number. I was thoroughly confused and asked why. She informed me that they were giving me a new camera.
Oh no she didn’t…. I told her no way. It wasn’t gonna happen. My precious, loving mother then said, “Amy, we’re doing this. For weeks now, I had felt like God wanted us to give you $1000. Then when we were talking about I asked you how much a new camera would cost you – you said $1000. And I said, ‘Okay, God, I get the point.’”
I hung up the phone. I had no words. And I walked around constantly feeling the need to pinch myself. God overwhelmed me. And some of the most precious people in my life were a part of it. Even when I don’t have some established business. And even when they could use the money for themselves. I’m overwhelmed by their love. And by God’s. And at this moment, that is all I can say. Because more words would clutter the beauty.

Part 1 (Parte Uno)

2009-09-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written about it. Why? Probably because I don’t think words can do the grandiose nature justice. Or maybe because it makes me cry. Or maybe because telling the story leaves me vulnerable and somewhat exposed. But you know what – it’s time to go THERE…
When Hannah was born, we didn’t have enough money to take her to have pictures made. So…I decided I’d just have to learn how to take good pictures. I sat down in Borders and read a book about how to take pictures hoping that I could capture the beauty of this little lady before me. And I fell in love. (even though I still have some highly awkward photos of her from when I was still in the throes of learning the basics)
My gracious in-laws surprised me with a great digital camera. At that time I overwhelmed our hard-drive (and my poor child) with photos of our lives. I started to get better. And I started to love photography more and more.
Secretly, I longed for a DSLR camera. But I made fun of myself and thought I was looking to one more possession to make me happy when it wouldn’t. (Yep, I went for a Christian guilt-trip) So I stuffed it. And realized there was no reason for me to have that nice of a camera when I was just taking pics of our family.
But I wanted to learn. I even looked into jobs at photography studios because I wanted so desperately to learn and to capture the beauty of the moments around me. But I kept it all a secret. Besides – we could NEVER afford it at that time.
Then we had Jayden. Yet another ridiculously gorgeous child was sitting in front of me on a daily basis begging for his beautiful mug to be captured and remembered forever. And so I kept taking pictures and researching how to get better.
Cue my amazing husband. Yep – the guy that believes in me when he has no reason to. The guy that watches and somehow finds the most unexpected and inspiring gift he could possibly give you – even if the cost is beyond what you could afford. For my birthday, I was greeted by a large-esque purple Dora-the-Explorer gift bag (hand-picked by my little lady) that contained a DSLR camera. And then cue my tears. And devotion. I started photographing like it was going out of style. I took so many pictures that I single-handedly caused iPhoto to raise a flag of surrender.
On the fourth of July, I sat nestled under my cream-colored, snuggly, plush blanket with my journal of early-morning conversations with God sprawled in front of me complete with my soy chai in hand. And at that moment I knew – I want to be a wedding and family photographer.
I giggled…like a giddy, slap-happy three year old girl. (And I know this is a fitting description because I live with one of these) And then I laughed out loud. Because seriously – how on earth was that supposed to happen? And how was I ever going to get the camera that I needed? I mean, we had been living paycheck to paycheck until this year when Ted changed jobs and we had finally gotten out of debt.
But deep within my soul I knew. And I loved it. I would have the chance to capture memories and stories in such a vivid way? I was in awe that God would let me do something so beautiful, so sacred. And so I made it my mission to learn everything I possibly could. And to enjoy the ride.

Here's a pic of an adorable little man. There will be more to come soon. But his facial expressions make me far too happy and I thought I'd throw it in...

Oh Theo

2009-08-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

Late night conversations with him are the best. My eyes may be heavy and my body worn out, but I will still force myself to stay awake to listen to his hilarious commentary on life. (Complete with so much laughter, you'd think we were two years old.) And I NEVER regret staying awake... even when the Starbucks drive-thru whispers sweet little nothings to my car and all but forces my vehicle to come for a caffeine-laden pick-me-up. Why? Because he's worth it and I love him.
I love laughing at his ridiculously funny comments. I love staring into his chocolatey brown eyes. And I love that no matter what happens and no matter the imperfections we both bring to the table - I get to have him. I want him in my life everyday...forever. I love the silly songs that he creates when he's really tired. I love the way he decorates children's books with Russian, Scottish and British accents to name a few. (he also has a pretty decent Southern accent he throws in when he knows I'm listening. But to be honest - I almost always listen when he reads to the kids because I find myself unable to do anything else since I'm filled with anticipation of what voice/accent combination he'll bust out next) I love the way he believes in me when I'm given him every reason not to. I love the humility with which he approaches life. I love his laugh, even though when I first heard it, I swore I would never date him. I love that he checks out Mental Floss blog on a daily basis and thinks it's hilarious. I love how he sees the world and how he can dissect issues in such profound ways. I love his brilliance and that so many people don't know about it because he holds it so lightly. I love that just the other day, he worked the word "whippersnapper" into a song for the kids like it's totally normal.
I could keep going. But I have children that will wake up soon and commence giggles and the building of Lego monstrosities. In my heart though, I will keep going. Because he's worth it, and it's good for me to remember.

And finally, because pictures make everything better, here is the first picture I took with my new camera. (Just testing out lenses in the store) More about that soon. But let's say I'm quite stoked.

And so that Jayden can represent...

I'm still here...

2009-08-27T08:26:00.001-07:00

I managed to drop off the face of the earth. Again. It's an incredible talent that I possess.
So much has been going on I haven't felt like I've had words to put around it. And due to my perfectionist tendencies, I haven't posted anything because it couldn't describe what was really going on within me.
But I'm coming back. I promise.
And with so much more. These past few months have been crazy and exciting and overwhelming and eye-opening and a little bit of everything else. And on top of it, due to a gift that I am still so in awe of, I can't think about it without getting misty-eyed, I also was given a new camera. (That story will be coming soon. I cry everytime I think about it...) My lens comes Tuesday and I don't know if I could be more excited. (And sad because that seems so far away)
So, I'll be capturing a lot more of the lovely people in my life and hoping to meet a lot more along the way. No more dropping off the face of the earth this time.
For any of you reading, I do hope this post finds you having a rock awesome day.

Sarah and Noah

2009-07-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Einstein's bagels complete with shmear. Mocha lights with caramel drizzle hand-crafted by green-aproned baristas. But the common denominator every time? Comfy, oftentimes cushy chairs. Because when I hung out with Sarah, I wanted to take it all in and I never wanted to miss a thing.
I first met Sarah when she was in 8th grade. And she's one of those precious, sometimes reserved, thoughtful, hilarious, deep, cares about others with everything that's in her kind of people. She oozes sweetness and hilarity on a regular basis. And over the following years I had my life sprinkled with Einstein's and Starbucks dates where I got the extreme privilege of listening to her process life around her. And I loved it.
Even though we'd like to press pause, life keeps going. And she graduated. And we changed churches. But one night I checked my facebook and saw in my inbox a little message from my sweet Sarah. I opened it up and instantly knew it was one of the bravest emails I'd ever read. Though the email was beautiful and risky, there were two words that would go on to dramatically change her life: "I'm pregnant."
I read those words and I just desperately wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her in one of the biggest bear hugs of her life. I couldn't imagine what she was going through. I mean, I was TERRIFIED when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah, but I was married and a little older. But my precious Sarah, was dealing with this alone. And in the context of church - and if we Christians can be honest for a minute - I think we can admit that we don't have the best track record with handling this kind of situation. I just wanted to hold her for a minute and let her know we'd be here. We'd walk through this with her. Heck - if she needed a place to live even - we're here.
Turns out, a lot of people made me really proud to be a Christian. Sarah decided she really wanted to keep this precious baby, even though she knew a lot of thing were going to change. And some of the ladies at our former church put together one of the BEST baby showers I've seen. People bent over backwards to make sure this baby was welcomed into this world with everything he needed. And there was no guilt and no shame - at this moment, there was only support and encouragement. (And birthing stories...)
A few months later, Noah entered the world. A day after he was born I held him in my arms. (with a little Jayden brewing in my belly...) He was perfect and all kinds of precious. I looked at my precious Sarah - sure she had messed up, but because of how she wrestled through it all with God, she could see the extreme miracle she held in her arms.
How she did motherhood at 19 is amazing to me. I know it's been hard, and beautiful. And probably everything else in between. And as a matter of fact, you can read her thoughts and processings here... www.hurricanesarah89.blogspot.com It's almost as good as in person with a cup of coffee or a bagel.
Today I want to share some pictures of that beautiful boy that Sarah let me take! I think you'll be as smitten as I was. And as blessed. He loves his mommy and she loves him. And it's awe-inspiring. And please join me in saying happy birthday to Sarah today. Sarah, you are a precious lady and I am so glad that you AND Noah were born. I'm so proud of you.

There's so many others to choose from, but there's a start!

My current emotional roller-coaster

2009-07-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Seconds seems like hours. Minutes pass like days. When someone who is so much a part of yourself is hurting, time goes so slowly. My heart aches. Prayers sometimes seem to be the most powerful thing in the world and in the next moment, I feel like they bounce back into my face like a really bad version of Pong. My soul can’t rest. I’ve tried distracting myself. I’ve tried checking my email approximately 72 times in a period of 5 minutes wondering if maybe I’ll get one that makes a difference. Maybe they’ll be okay. Maybe it will be better. Maybe God will have shown up in their lives and they’ll sit there elated with the fact that He loves them so much that He did… But alas, that email hasn’t come. Not even an email with a dancing hamster that could occupy my mind for a good 2 minutes and 43 seconds.
But this is life. I cannot make up anyone else’s mind. And as much as I have exploding volcanoes implanted within me of realizing how much He adores them and could change their life, I can’t choose for them. And in this moment, with no feedback and no indication and a whole bunch of no information, I have no idea if God is doing anything. It hurts. I want desperately to control this situation. And I swear to you my motives are good. Really good. Like coming from “Jesus changed life in this ridiculously awesome way” good. Like “I just found the fact that I don’t have to be a product of my past and I desperately want that for this person” good. Like “I am still messed up, but I don’t live in the constant hell-hole trap of constantly wondering if I’m good enough and trying to be funny yet not succeeding, trying to find meaning in the empty yet never enough approval of others, I’m free now” good. And I could keep going.
But this one’s out of my hands. This is between them and Him. And I hate it.
I totally wish that clever, here’s the perfect thing to say that changes everything and leads to tears and hand holding and kumbayah-ish feelings marinating in the glow of a campfire (and possibly s’mores) would come. But it hasn’t. There’s no script for this. This isn’t up to me.
And you know what? I’m scared. Really brutally scared. Scared He won’t show up. Like I literally want to do God’s job for Him right now because I think I could do it better-scared. And I’m thinking that’s got to be pretty warped. I’m thinking He knows them better than I know them. I’m thinking He had a pretty large-esque role in the formation of their toes and nose and eyebrows. I’m thinking there hasn’t been a moment that He hasn’t been there, watching them, (kind of like how I watch my kids and can’t speak because I’m so in love with them and a mere word would ruin the joy of watching them in all their beauty) loving them, waiting for them. And I’ve only been in the equation for a few years. I’m thinking He loves them more than I do, even though parts of me would want to wrestle for it. (have a feeling I know who would win. I’m just sayin’) And I’m thinking He’s faithful. I mean – I’m not gonna lie – I don’t always get what He’s doing, I sometimes take issue with what life seems to throw in my face or that of my friends, BUT if I look at the WHOLE of life, I see a whole lot of faithfulness going on. And He did say so Himself. A few times. I’m thinking He’s trustworthy.
So I’m still scared. But I’m starting to realize I probably shouldn’t be. And no matter what this friend comes out deciding or not deciding, I’m still gonna love them. There’s no way I can change that. And I’m betting God will still keep waiting for them, no matter what. And that comforts me. After all, He waited on me.

Katie and family

2009-07-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

I knew he made her swoon. Yes, full-on legitimate, I really can use that word - swoon. She was smitten - from the way he loved God to the way he loved his kids. And I got to watch as the tall coffee had to switch to a venti because of great late night phone conversations. He loved her. But how could you not love Katie? The fiery red-headed, hilarious, bend-over-backwards to help someone, single-handedly outfitted my first child, hardworking, GORGEOUS, dedicated, Jesus-loving, rock awesome colorist/stylist... To know her IS to love her. Watching God bring them and their amazing kids together was so beautiful. And a few months after they were married - a little Addison was on her way.
How do you describe this family? Hilarious, exciting, loving, crazy awesome and the like.
Thank you so much for letting me use you as models! Michael, I love the way you love your kids and our beautiful Katie. Grace, thanks for all the ideas as we took pictures! Caleb - I'm now going to have to research the Nintendo DSi thanks to you. Alexis - I loved the chance to hang out with you. Addison - I've got a potential boyfriend for you down the road because girl, you are all things sweet and cute. And Katie - thanks for letting me join your family. And for making work even better over the past 4 years as you've followed God and shared your life (and your sweet hair-cutting skills) with me. You rock.

And Katie - these aren't necessarily the best photos - but these were the ones that I picked while eating dinner and feeding Jayden his food at the same time. (Definitely now have chicken noodle mush on my floor) So, I'll try to post more later, but at least this is a taste!
And the rest of the world - this family rocked this photoshoot. When we got to our location we were informed they were closing in 30 minutes. We got out and rocked out some fast and furious photos, so be impressed that they made this happen. they're incredible.

Chad and Kristen

2009-07-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

There are times in our lives where words epically fail us. There's no possible way that a few letters strung together can capture with accuracy the awe, wonder and excitement that is bouncing off the walls of your heart. And that's where I'm at in this moment. A few weeks ago I got news that made me bust out in the happy dance, complete with arms flailing, high-pitched squeals and the like. I found out that my brother-in-law, Chad and his AMAZING girlfriend Kristen were engaged. You may not be able to fully comprehend how great this is. I tear up just thinking about the how wonderful it is that this lady who is such an overwhelming heap of loveliness in our lives is now OFFICIALLY going to be my sister-in-law. That's like Baskin Robbins without calories good. I'm so ridiculously thrilled I could pee my pants. For the time being, we'll just let Jayden do that.
I asked them if they wouldn't mind being models for me as I learn to work with adults who can sit still as opposed to the constantly moving children I chase on a daily basis. For some reason, they graciously agreed. These pictures don't do that beauty of their relationship justice, but it's a start. And there's so many more. I didn't even get all of my favorites... But here's a few.
Thank you Chad and Kristen for being a part of our lives. You guys ooze amazingness.
And just to let anyone else know - I have the BEST sister-in-laws EVER. Hands down. I'm a lucky lady. The men in my life married soooooooo well

The decision

2009-07-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

Okay...side note. I wrote this a few weeks ago as I was processing the whole decision to try ADD medication. (Thus the title of my blog...) I've now started and though it's still a struggle, I realize what a great gift it is. So here's my processing moment from a few weeks ago. There's more, but I'll post that later...

Failure. I feel like I’ve hit it.
We’ve decided that it’s time for me to go on medication. (for ADD) Well…I say “we” but really Ted probably decided it was a good idea a long time ago and I am finally yielding to his superior idea. And though I know in my head this has to be a good idea, my heart is a broken mess of feeling failure, inadequacy, and a whole lot of sadness that I just wasn’t able to live life on my own.
I’m not enough.
But the truth is, I’m tired of this lifestyle. I’m tired of too many ideas becoming like a bouncy ball bonanza in my head. (And yes there is a website with that as a title – google it…) I’m tired of being so overwhelmed by the ridiculously amazing list of things I want to accomplish and sitting there unable to do anything until we’re within hours of the deadline. I’m tired of my inability to respond to email. I’m tired of finding thank you and thinking about you notes from years ago that I just never mailed. (Still have some from my wedding, so if you didn’t get one…I probably have it and I am far too ashamed to send it.) I’m tired of the constant feeling that if I could just sit down and think I could change the world. I’m tired of brilliant ideas that float in and out of my head. I’m tired of having people ask me how my weekend was and the blank stare that habitually overcomes my face because I genuinely cannot remember what I did that weekend. (And that’s without the help of any substances.) I am tired of making my 3 yr. old pray that we can find Mommy’s keys so that we can arrive to our destination a good 20 minutes late. I’m tired of all of my friends realizing that when we set a time to hang out, they can afford to be 5-10 minutes late because there is no way on God’s green earth that I’ll be there on time. I’m tired of the shame that comes when my daughter has to bring me my phone that I lost again and again. I’m tired of taking classes, asking teachers for ridiculously long extensions, sitting blankly in front of a computer screen and then finally (up to a semester or 2 later) turning in the work all to receive what would have been an A.
So I guess it’s time to get help. I guess it’s time to be able to really live my dreams that are vivid and yet uncompleted due to ADD. So here I am, realizing it’s okay. Or maybe not within my soul, but at least in my head. Well, that’s a start, right?

So there's a start. I put it out there. As absolutely terrifying as it was. And so, I'll post a picture. That makes everything better, right?

I ♥ Faces - Week 25

2009-06-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

This is me wishing I had something to offer that could really capture the beauty of the event. Today I don't. But in an effort to throw rocks at my perfectionism, I'm entering a precious moment - even if I didn't necessarily capture it the way I'd want to. Here is a photo from my cousin's wedding. Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe it. To hear their story of how God brought them together, to hear the minister help all of us stop in awe of the beauty of love the way God gives it and to glance over and watch my daughter on the edge of the pew straining to see the bride was fantastic. So here's the grand exit. And congrats to them!

And you should totally check out all the other rock awesome entries at:

I ♥ Faces - Week 24

2009-06-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

This week it's all about the boys... And here are some of my favorites. The first picture is my little Jayden. The little man that made a surprise entrance into our lives just when we thought we were going to start the adoption process. (Which we are still going to do, we're just waiting a little while) He is amazing. I never thought I wanted a boy, but I had no idea how great it would be. I adore him.

The other picture is for my adult entry. This past weekend was my father-in-law's birthday so the whole family came to surprise him. I caught a picture of he and Jayden at the pool party they had for him.

Thanks for checking out my photos and take some time to check out the other great pictures at:

Waiting for her

2009-06-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

I don’t know where you are. You may only be a thought. Maybe you’re developing inside of your birth mother – moving and growing and sprouting fingernails. Or maybe you’re in a crib somewhere. Right now I don’t know. But I do know that I love you. And I can’t wait to hold you.
I think about that day all the time. We just celebrated your brother’s 7th month of life and I found myself longing for you as I sat there in awe of the idea that I’ve now shared seven months with your amazing brother. I wonder where you are.
I don’t want you to have even a moment without arms around you. I’m praying for your birth mom and family. I’m praying for the doctors that deliver you. And I pray for whomever cares for you (nurses, orphanage care assistants, foster parents…I don’t even know). I pray that they’ll realize just how special you are. I pray that they will let you know as well. I pray that no matter what you face in the days before we meet you and for all your days after that God is whispering into your ear that He loves you. I pray that you’ll have the joy of hearing Him sing over you, even if your life begins with no one to do that for you. I pray that He’ll be so near to you and hold you so ridiculously tight. I pray that He’ll record somehow every moment of your development – your cribmates if you have any, your birth, your everything and let me watch it one day if I can’t be a part of it when it happens.
And I know He’ll take good care of you. I know He loves you even more than I could. And I know He will be giddy with excitement over each coo, every gassy “smile” and every little newborn startle you might have before and after we meet you. But so you know, I long to be there for it all because you are that important.
We’ll see what He does. Right now we’re just waiting. We talk about you all the time. Hannah even tells people about her sister. (And she’s not just trying to insult Jayden.) I pray for all the moments of your life and I think about you all the time. As we laugh and celebrate as a family, I think about how great it will be to add you to all of it. I realize we’re probably not ready for you yet – and hey – maybe you’re not even growing inside of your birth mother yet. But I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and whisper your name over you, Mia. By the time you read this, I’ll probably have told you a million times, but God has given you the name Mia so that you would know He calls you “mine.” And to think I get to have that privilege too…
I love you. I can’t wait to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

Oh, ya know...

2009-06-15T12:58:00.001-07:00

I don't know the last time that I had a full and complete at least somewhat rational thought. This would be me on the downward spiral of ADD. This is where I can't think at all. And I feel like I'm completely stuck drowning in this pit.
So many things are racing through my head. Anger towards parents who love to complain about their kids, joy over taking Jayden to the pool for the first time and the precious moment you experience when you realize how amazing it is that you get to see this little person's firsts..., gratitude for my church and the amazingly broken, honest, committed people there, embarrassment over the hypocrisy in my life, and it just keeps going.
But the one thing I'm trying to cling to just happened. I was so frustrated with Jayden. (my 7 month old little man) He wouldn't stop crying and it was beyond time for him to be napping. His preferred method of coping at that moment: screaming. I was so angry with him. I wanted to just walk away. I found myself ridiculously frustrated that he doesn't understand much English and that you just couldn't reason with him and help him see that napping would clearly be the best thing for all of us.
And then I realized. That's me. And God never walks out on me.
I looked deep into Jayden's eyes. I apologized for how angry I was with him. And I made a vow that went something like this:

Jayden Michael, I vow to love you. I vow that I will continually come back to giving you everything I have for all the days that God gives me. I vow to remember that you are an incredible gift and that even in the hard moments, it is an extreme privilege to walk through life with you. I vow to give you all that I can as your mommy. I vow to carry you when you need it (hopefully representing how God carries you), to hold your hand when life is hard and to watch and be your biggest fan when you don't need me. I vow to do my best to help you learn to depend on Jesus and to show you what His love for you looks like - the crazy, reckless, amazing love that He showed by His life and by His death. I vow to keep pursuing God and letting Him rip out and redo all the ugly, messy, warped areas of my life from my own issues and the things others have done in my life as well. I vow to give you all the love I can give, even when it's hard.

I think what I said was better then and that's when it mattered anyway. But there's an idea. And in an attempt to throw rocks at my ridiculous obsession with only putting "perfect" things out into the view of others...here it is unedited. And unperfect. And with a big thank you to my husband for teaching me that is okay to fail. I'm a blessed girl.
Great friends. Great man. Great God. Great church. Great spa... And GREAT kids

I ♥ Faces - Week 23 (Sepia Toned)

2009-06-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I came across a great website, I ♥ Faces. They have weekly photo competitions to inspire everyone to pursue photography and to continue challenging yourself. So I decided to give it a shot.
Here is my sweet little Hannah. I had been taking a few pictures of Jayden and her, but it was a little too close to naptime and it put Hannah's ability to handle life and brothers into jeopardy. Thus the tears. I promise I absolutely took care of those tears...right after taking this picture.
Feel free to head on over to their website to see a lot more incredible pictures!

A beautiful day in my neighborhood

2009-06-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel like the poster child for ADD. In an effort to post something of worth even if I don't have time to write and process all the thoughts bouncing around in my head (and yes, they do bounce), I thought I could at least post something that describes the beauty before me on a daily basis. So here's a little peek into what I get to enjoy everyday. I'm a fan. (And Katie, you're still a blender, right?)

ADD ramblings, wrestlings and thoughts

2009-02-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

If I could give you a picture of the circus currently going on in my head, you would probably need to envision a raging bull that had just consumed 24 Mountain Dews, saw a red flag and found himself boxed in a small cage constraining his movements to only a mere twitch. Restless might describe my current state, but alas, the bull mental picture was a much more exciting venture with words. Ah, ADD.
My mind is inundated with thoughts, questions, wrestling of the soul, running commentaries, dreams and the like. I'm bombarded with the desire to race ahead in life. I don't want it to be now anymore. Because now is waiting. Now is twiddling my thumbs. Now is obsessively checking my email to see if maybe I'll get one that makes a difference. Now is the anticipation of great moments, hard times, and yet experiencing none of the above with no guarantee as to the great moments or hard times actually playing themselves out. Now is risky. Now could turn any direction at any given moment, but is currently not turning at all. Now is still. (Yep, definitely just checked my email for one of those life-changing messages that never seem to come. I am ridiculous.)
So where am I going with this? Right now - no where, and quite quickly, might I add.
Since I find myself in a losing battle of ADD sucking my brain dry and me handing myself over to it on a sliver platter, I will write as an ADD person. Here are some of my thoughts:

Sometimes, life sucks. I mean, it doesn't and yet it does all at the same time. Right now I'm watching as some good friends have been dealt a hefty blow in life. My heart aches for them. I wish there were something I could do, but there honestly isn't...except listening and praying. And it's hard because I feel like it's nothing, and yet, part of me knows it's got to be everything. I just keep coming to God, begging Him for some sort of way to change things for them, to let me walk through it so they don't have to, to just have some word or some act that would just make it better. And I find I've got a whole bunch of nothing. Nothing except talking to Him. And though I don't totally get it and it frustrates me and I'm dumbfounded by the idea, I think that's everything.
In the past few days as I've poured out my everything to Jesus, my frustrations for my friends, my anger that this could happen to such precious people and my mental exhaustion over the idea that all I can do is pray, I keep coming to this thought: If I could really see the world for what it is, if I really saw things the way they are - the way God sees them, I might realize that is everything. Prayer is everything. It is huge. That dialogue with God mixed with the faith of a mustard seed supposedly has a track record of being able to move mountains. (Which I will SOOOOO admit I don't fully understand) And so I cling and pray and wrestle and come back humbled to think that one day I may get the chance to see how much prayer actually does. And how little I did it. So here's to mystically somehow having an incredible thing to offer my friends that doesn't feel like much, but I guess does untold things... If only I could see how huge - maybe God will start showing me. And maybe in a lot of ways He already has... (Sorry, you are now just following the course of my thought process. I am no longer trying to form witty explanations and put-together stories)

Other thoughts...God has seriously amazed me. A few years ago, I was a voice major at Indiana University. I had studied voice for 7 years or so. (Shout out to the Youth Performing Arts School in Louisville, KY) It had been my life. I had dreams of continuing in performing and all sorts of crazy stuff. And then God asked me to give it up and let Him bring it back when it was time. Not like never sing - not even to your kids or anything, but more of a don't study it in school, don't pursue opportunities to sing, just let it go for now. And through tears and a lack of trust combined with a lot of trust - I did. And during that time, Jesus taught me a lot. A lot about the god I had made it, the pride I had with it, the constant analyzing I did to it. I also had the privilege of taking amazing classes at Wheaton College about ministry and working with youth and counseling and such. (Even though Wheaton was an incredibly hard place for me to be) Through those years I have worked with some of the MOST AMAZING youth that ever were - hands down. I have had the privilege of hearing their stories and walking through life with them, even if it was for a short period of time. I spent my time in coffee shops and restaurants with the UNBELIEVABLE chance to hear their stories and talk with them about Jesus. I would not trade ANY of those moments for the world. And I still remember Starbucks dates, basement convos, Chili's dinners and the like and coming home in awe of the fact that I got to listen to them and pray and care. And now, though I still get to do some of that, be it over Skype or amidst piles of toys with homemade chai lattes, I think God may be bringing this part back. But new and better and sacred-like. I've decided (though in true Amy form, I go back and forth wondering how on earth I can actually make this a reality to then chasing after it full force to doubting again to dreaming of every little detail...well, you get the point. Oooh, look at me prefacing before I ever say anything AGAIN!) that I'm going to put together a recital/concerty type thing of sorts. (Like the non-committal Amy lingo there? Quality.) I'm excited. Nervous. Terrifed. And electrified. But in the midst of it all, I'm blown away that God remembered. He didn't forget me. And He's made it so much better than it was before. And how amazing is it that He'd let me make music? I get to create. I'm so excited I seriously could wet my pants. And for those of you who know me, you realize it won't be a normal recital at all. I have all sorts of crazy ideas floating around. I'm just hoping I won't let it stay floating like I usually do in all my ADD procrastinating glory, but that this time, I chase it down. I have a feeling that the ADD people in attendance that night will totally love it and the non-ADD portion of the audience will have mental whiplash... Oh well.
But really quickly, how amazing is it that God loves me enough not to forget? It makes me tear up. He would let me do this? I'm still in awe.
Which brings me to another thought - I've been reading one of the books of the Bible called Exodus. And I've been reading the whole part where God brings the people out of Egypt and such and when He starts the whole deal and comes to Moses, God tells him that He has SEEN their pain and HEARD their cries. That makes me cry. He doesn't just stay removed. He's all over it. He's been there with them. Kinda cool.

More thoughts:
My kids rock
My husband is really neat.
Jesus has given me some amazing friends. Friends I can actually share all of me with and they don't run away screaming. That's beyond cool.
I am in love with photography and I desperately want to capture amazing moments. And I'm searching out how... If you see my kids walking around with a strange look in their eyes it's probably from overexposure to the flash on my new camera.
I am a blessed lady to have a husband that can handle the ADD madness and he still believes in me. He still pushes me to chase dreams... And for some reasons he takes all of my random dreams and ideas on how to change the world and what to pursue next and he actually believes in me and helps make it happen. I'm more blessed than I even know.
I've got a real writing piece brewing in my mind about Hannah's latest poop issues and what God's been showing me through it about my own sin. Oh yeah...
We have a really cool church and if anyone reading this lives around the Chicago area and wants to come - we'd love it. It's not perfect, but it's really neat. Quality peeps.
I think about all the kids I know who are in college now ALL the time. (And the middle and high schoolers from Life Church and Campus Lifers and badminton girls) Yep, if you're one of them, I probably think about you and pray for you a lot. And possibly facebook stalk you...awkward moment. I don't do a good enough job of letting you all know though. But I'm beyond grateful for every one of you.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that an amazing lady, Kelly Schmidt was born today. Don't know what I'd do without her. My house feels really empty with her at Azusa, but my heart is seriously full because of her in our lives.

Alright, I'm gonna go feed a kid. And maybe give up on the compulsive checking of my email and basic search for something that could possibly change my life right now. Maybe I'll go embrace now. Maybe I'll go enjoy the fact that I have this moment. Maybe I'll go open my soul up to God and just put all of this before Him and let Him sort through the mess and the pieces and the broken parts. He's got mad skills in that area - I've seen it. Really interesting that I still choose to avoid it sometimes...
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed a truly ADD post.

A Letter to My Little Lady

2008-12-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Sweet Hannah,

Hey, lady. In a matter of minutes at the mall of all places you taught me more about how to live life than years of studying could ever do. And I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for Tuesday. I sat there on the cushy bench looking to just let you have a few moments to run free; completely oblivious to the divine moment I was about to encounter as I observed you, my teacher for the day. Surrounding us were kids climbing through the crazy jungle gym of levels in the mall, parents zoning out from the Christmas shopping overload... And there you were. My beautiful Hannah - full of joy and life and an unbeatable level of exuberance in the midst of many other people in many different moods. But you - you didn't have a care in the world. You were too busy just soaking up every minute of the jungle gym. Your smile grew and your eyes danced as you took in your surroundings, exploring new areas and racing the carpeted levels at top speed in your simple, yet tried and true way of running from one side to the other in a straight line with a soundtrack of giggles and shouts as your feet propelled you back and forth... Your mommy wouldn't have approached the situation the same way. She probably would have been too concerned with where she was and what other people thought about it - was it high enough? did she look silly sitting there? was she climbing the right way? But not you. You couldn't have been happier in your sprinting venture.
As I kept watching you I noticed something else, Little Miss, you knew your limits. You weren't big enough and coordinated enough to get up to the highest levels...but it didn't phase you for even a moment. You loved where you were, embracing every moment with a load of "tee-hees" and lots of "Hey Mommy! Did you SEE that?" And as I watched you I realized that your mommy probably would have been frustrated with where she was and she would have wanted to be able to do more. She might have wondered if other people noticed her shortcomings and might have become paralyzed by fear to try anything new. She might have even sat in the corner and sulked at her misfortune - her inability to do what so many others were able to do. She would have missed out on the pure joy that overcame your precious little self, happy as could be- right where you were.
After a few more minutes, Little Miss, I was in awe: talk about love your neighbor. You weren't afraid to say hi to anyone. And you were the first one to tell them "Great job..." when they climbed up. Even if you couldn't do all that they were doing, you were there encouraging them - even if most of them ignored you completely. You didn't do it to get anything in return - you just genuinely cared and gave your encouragement freely. If your mommy were honest, she might have only encouraged the seemingly most important people. She might have gotten discouraged when no one seemed to care about the cheers she gave out and just given up on sharing them altogether.
But you - you were thrilled for the little girl nobody else noticed who was terrified of climbing up there with you - even though she was probably twice your age. You didn't laugh at her, think less of her or even giggle to yourself at her struggles - instead you cheered her on and jumped with an incredibly authentic enthusiasm (seeing as it was a full body jump and cheer) when she finally made it up. And you listened - I mean really listened to the annoying kid that everyone else tried to avoid. And you weren't trying to conjure up feelings of care - compassion for him just oozed out of you. You realized that he had a lot to say, even if he didn't necessarily know when to take a break from saying all of it.
Your mommy might have been too busy thinking about her own climbing dreams and pursuits or what everyone else thought of her to notice the little girl, and she might have thought she was too busy with her own endeavors to listen to the little boy that seemed to have diarrhea of the mouth.
And Little Miss, it was amazing to watch you take in the wonder of it all - the people, just being there, the fact that you could crawl and climb and jump. (and do sprint suicides back and forth on the carpeted levels) I held back tears as I watched you stop everything (including your calisthenic work) to pause, your eyes taking in everything around you and though you didn't use words it seemed like you couldn't help but worship God by just resting and enjoying everything around you - all the joy and greatness of that moment. Your mommy probably would have been too busy or too focused on the next thing to really stop and thank God. But not you.
So thank you. Thank you, Hannah for teaching me who I really am and showing me who I really want to be. I want to be more like you. Because in you I see so much more freedom, so much more joy, so much more love - so much more of God. And I want that. Thank you for teaching me. And not with words or scolding - just with how you live your little life. I hope I can teach like that, too, Hannah.
And know this, sweetheart, not only am I thankful, I am also committed to changing because I want to be the best mommy I can be for you. And that's a mom who loves her neighbor as herself no matter who they are, how inept they seem or how long they want to talk. That's a mommy that takes on the joys and hard times of the people around her. That's a mommy who notices the outcast - a mommy who notices the overlooked and does something about it. And I want you to have a mommy that doesn't get frustrated with where she is in life, but embraces all the greatness of where that is instead of finding every flaw with it and becoming jealous of the others around her. And I want you to have a mommy that just has to stop and say thank you to God for everything around her - perfect and imperfect.
Every day with you is an unbelievable privilege. Sometimes I can't comprehend why God would be so amazing as to make you my daughter. And today I want to tell you thank you. I love you. And I plan on asking God for help so I become that mommy. Thank you for teaching me, Little Miss. And even though I just said it - I love you. I just don't know that I'll ever be able to say it enough times that it really conveys how deeply I mean it.

Insert Witty Title Here (while I sleep)

2008-12-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

And then there were four. In some amazingly miraculous way, I went in to the hospital - just Ted and me - and we came out with a whole new person. (And yes, this equals four when you factor in our incredibly crazy daughter) I still can't really believe it. In a moment, he entered the world - a living, breathing, sometimes crying little person. It's still nutty to me.
I would love to write about all the things I've been processing, all the battles I've been...well battling on how to follow God and be a mom of 2, on not becoming soft and everything else, but sleep tends to be important when you are outnumbered by small people in your home. So I'll postpone all that soul-searching for another day. However, I did want to share a little something this little man has already taught me.
Night 2 of his little life the nurses brought him to me so that he could eat. (tends to be important I guess...) I held him close and tried to get him started, but it just wasn't working out between the two of us. And this precious, mild-mannered baby scrunched up his face in such a way that he looked like a pit-bull and he let out horrendous squeals that indicated he seriously thought his 2-day old life was in jeopardy. I put him up to my shoulder, held him tightly and I whispered to him - "There is NO way I'm not going to feed you. I promise I will take care of you. I could never hurt you." In that moment, tears started to run down my face. Maybe sleep depravation and a host of crazy hormones charging through my body started the tears, but it broke my heart to see him struggle and wonder if he would make it when I was there to help him, offering him exactly what he needed if he would only calm down and trust me and let me help him...
And then it hit me. I am my son. (For those of you not tracking with me, let me explain) I do that exact same thing to God all the time. I fight Him and push back and think that He's going to basically let me drown in my problems. And yet, all the while, He's there, trying to help me, waiting for me to settle down so that He actually can work with me and give me exactly what I need. At that point, tears started to come more freely. For the first time, I had an idea of God's pain - watching us squirm and cry and wiggle and become more and more upset, while He's there never once letting go.
There's so much more I would love to say and I'd love to do it more eloquently, but whether it's the smallness of my own mind or simply the inability to articulate when you are in the midst of crazy life change, I can't seem to put it together. So I think I'll go take care of my little guy and remember that if a messed up mommy like me would never let my child's needs go unmet, how much greater lengths will God go to take care of us... Maybe it's time for me to stop squirming.

My body is not what it was

2008-08-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

I learned a lesson. Completing a little over 7 miles and doing a reasonably intense lifting session while in your seventh month of pregnancy may not be the smartest idea. Although it seemed genius at the time, my body threw it's own revolt that afternoon and the following day. I've been priding myself in still running (no I did NOT run those 7 miles - I did a combination of walking, the cross trainer and various other ways to put that total together) but I'm learning that my body is not what it used to be. I guess that's to be expected when you're growing another human. It's just really hard to back down. I want to get out there and really push myself. (It probably doesn't help that I was planning on running the Chicago Marathon this year before I found out about our latest little surprise) I watch other runners training and pouring themselves into their workout and I forget that I have a belly that's full of boy right now. I'm probably gonna need to lay off the Olympics. And I just need to embrace this beautiful time in which God has me. It really is unbelievable to have a person growing inside of you. (And peeing inside of you - a fact which still gives me the willies) I still think it's crazy how God developed this whole idea, but He did. It's nuts. And cool. And beyond amazing. But that's kind of how God seems to roll in general.

And for all of you who might wonder, we are still passionate about this whole adoption thing. Though I'm looking forward to meeting this little guy who seems to be practicing for a match with Holyfield...my heart is growing in love for the little girl we'll one day adopt. I can't wait to meet her.

Beyond awkward

2008-07-29T05:39:00.000-07:00

Upon glancing back on most of my posts, I realized that this blog has been highly serious. Though that's great, that's also just a portion of me. So I decided to let you guys in on the most awkward moment of my entire life which happened to occur a few weeks ago.
Pregnancy brings many humiliating factors. Gaseous fumes that cannot be held in, clumsiness that can be severely heightened and one of my personal favorites - the responsibility of peeing in a cup every time you go to visit the doctor.
I don't know many people who enjoy relieving themselves into a cup, but I find myself highly annoyed by this practice. Especially because although I am pregnant and should typically be on the verge of wetting my pants most of the time, I actually still have a highly effective bladder that can hold quite a bit. (More than you ever wanted to know I am sure) I am not a person that can just go on demand - unless I truly feel the need, there is no pee escaping this body. So at every one of my prenatal visits, this seemingly simple task has been daunting. I have been unable to pee at my first two visits even though I took in several Venti Starbucks cups of water. And at every visit after that I've had to beg the nurses to let me go through the appointment and hopefully be able to "go" afterward. I have surely caused these nurses headaches and amazed them by my inability to urinate.
Until this last appointment. That's right, I planned ahead! I took in more than a half gallon of water and tried to think waterfall type thoughts. I held it in until I arrived at my appointment and took hold of that which had previously tried to take hold of me. I filled my cup appropriately, took care of everything and went to place my cup in the window.
Now let us pause so that I may explain the setup here. In the bathroom, there is a window that has a door on it. There are doors on both sides so you put your cup of pee in the window and then the nurses can grab it from their side.
I went over, opened the little door and as I went to place my prized cup in the window, the door I was holding slipped out of my hands, crushed my hand and I watched my cup drop from my hands and fall to the floor. Yep, that's right...I spilled my pee all over the wall and the floor. And yes, that in and of itself is horrible. But now here I stand in my own pee realizing that once again I have nothing to turn in to the nurses and no hope of having to go again in the near future. And to make matters worse, since the nurses had heard me open the door, they figured I had dropped off my cup and I kept hearing them open their side over and over again wondering what must have happened to the cup.
I grabbed paper towels and tried to clean up as best I could. I washed down the walls and the floor for approximately five more minutes and then grabbed my cup and realized there was no avoiding it - I had to tell the nurses what happened. I left the bathroom, went around the corner and saw the nurse standing there - waiting for my sample. I looked her in the eyes, opened my mouth and slowly the words formed: "I just had the most awkward moment of my life. My cup fell out of my hands and my pee spilled on the floor and I tried to clean it up and if you give me some cleaning supplies I'll clean it. I'm so unbelievably sorry. And is it at all possible that there's enough pee in this cup for you to test because there is no way that I can pee again."
She just looked at me in amazement. (This is the same nurse I've had all of those times...) But hey, luckily she was able to test the few droplets of my pee or maybe she was just gracious and pretended it was enough. Either way, I'm still terrified of this whole process.
And there is my "beyond awkward" moment of the day.

The feeling of nothing to say

2008-07-18T12:27:00.001-07:00

Fear. I've been living in it. Afraid to compose...afraid to bare myself. Afraid that I won't have words to ever begin to capture truth. Afraid that my worth is summed up in my lack of ability to put together phrases that might inspire or cast light upon the truth God has given us.
So, basically I have nothing special to say.
But I should be honest about life. An interesting turn of events has transpired. Last we posted in the world wide web - we were planning to adopt. We had sat down and prayed together and finally decided on an adoption agency. We planned to call them on Monday. On Sunday, we found out we were pregnant. (Or actually, that I was pregnant. Ted is not pregnant, but he's a really quality guy) I didn't know how to handle it. I thought I might miscarry. I mean, we were ready to adopt...
I became ashamed as well. Here we were headed into this life-changing, exciting adventure. I felt like we really were going to live life the way God wanted us to. We were about to tangibly care for the orphan - I mean that's some serious God-following, right? We had told everyone - even people we didn't know. Why would God let this happen?
I felt humiliated. And I felt ridiculous for feeling so humiliated. (Gotta love the pits of despair we allow ourselves to drown in) While others oozed with excitement when they heard the news, I visibly didn't share the same sentiment. I couldn't wrap my heart around the fact that we'd told everyone we were going to adopt - my heart was ready to adopt. I had thought about holding that little girl, I had talked with Hannah about her sister that was out there somewhere that we were going to have soon. There was no mistaking that I wasn't excited about the change of events. And from there I piled more guilt upon myself because I wasn't thrilled.
I now sit here in my sixth month of pregnancy. We're having a boy. (I wasn't planning on having a boy, so just cycle through that pit again for me to understand where I was formerly at when I learned the news.) His name is going to be Jayden Michael. Jayden means, "God has heard" and Michael means, "Who is like our God?"
But here is where I stand today. We will still adopt. One day we will have a precious little girl (or at least that's what I think right now - but keep in mind, I've been wrong before) that we'll get to hold in our arms.
(random ADD moment - last night I watched part of Grey's Anatomy and there was a family with a little baby they had just adopted. As the dad finally really embraced her - I nearly lost it and I became even more excited for the day when we get to hold our little girl)
But God for the meantime is giving us Jayden. And that's not a let down. He is a gift and I'm really starting to cherish that gift with every swift kick to my ribs. My prayer is that his life is defined by helping his generation know that God has heard and that He cares. And truly, I can't think of anything much better. And luckily, in the midst of all this, God has taught me enough to know that when I meet this little boy, I will realize that he is incredible and I will thank God over and over for giving him to us and specifically at this time.
And one day I trust God will give us our precious little girl. The one I know He has named "Mine". (The name we've chosen is Mia which means "mine" in Italian) And maybe by then, God will have worked in my heart to not think I'm better than someone else if I adopt. Maybe by then, I won't be so immature as to think that we are so special because we're adopting. Maybe by then, I will realize that everything God does is wise and just and I won't feel ashamed when we don't seem to be as "special" and we seem more "normal" in our journey of following God. (These terms are horrendous, but it's what I've honestly thought if I'm real with myself)
So there's me. Bared. Nothing special to say. But at least I'm no longer living in fear. It wasn't a very nice master. Jesus is way better... You'd think I would have known that.

More...

2008-03-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

I said I'd write about it again. It's not easy. It's hard to put torment of the soul into words. It's hard to describe the pain of losing someone you love because of their choice. (Though I realize that many of you reading may completely understand this) It's a series of a lack of words. It's this overwhelming feeling that you can never do justice to your description nor to the pain that many surrounding this loss would experience. And it's hard, because it is very much not just your story, it's merely your point of viewing the larger story.
I do remember the funeral visitation vividly though. I remember lining up and wondering what lay ahead. I remember getting out of my car and wondering if my body would actually cooperate with me and allow me to put one foot in front of the other. I remember what it was like to wonder what it would be like to see the family grieve because their daughter chose to commit suicide and feel incredibly helpless because you didn't really know them - you had only known their daughter.
Somehow my body decided that it would keep propelling me forward - through the door and into the unknown. I looked around and felt the awkwardness of it all. I absorbed the hush and the "no one really knows how to do this" air about the room. I sure didn't. And yet, I found as I walked in the awkwardness that it was to watch people have normal conversations. I was perplexed by it all. Though this 19 year old girl lay in a casket in the room with a very obviously placed scarf draped lovingly around her neck so as to hide the truth - there were people who were able to talk about everyday life. There were those who hugged and laughed next to those who hugged and cried. It was such an intriguing scene to me. Here lay a girl who chose to end her life - a reminder of the pain and problems that so many kids face in this affluent area and yet I overheard people who were able to discuss the ins and outs of their golf game.
I do not know the context of their lives. And quite possibly, for some, it was a chance to cope with the huge dose of reality that lay before them. Others may not have known her and though they desired to appear and be supportive for the family, they were not broken within their souls and chatting about their passions seemed like a natural course of conversation. But there were times when I desperately wanted to stand on a chair and yell out at the top of my lungs - "Do you not see?"
Do we? Do we actually see the pain that is life for the people we pass on a daily basis? Do we realize that people in these suburbs are crying out desperately for someone to listen and to actually care? Do we notice that so many teenagers are walking around trying desperately to forget the pressures that seem to overwhelm them? Do we really SEE each other? Do we see the pain of the words that have been hurled at us in insults by those whom we thought actually loved us? Do we see the girl that thinks she will never be beautiful enough and sacrifices herself over and over again in relationships because she hopes that one day - just maybe - someone will love her? Do we notice the young men who are walking around with rage because their fathers constantly make it known that they are not, nor will they ever be good enough? Do we not notice the wife who was wounded by her parents and is now caught in the desire to keep up with everyone else in hopes that one day maybe she'll feel like she's worth something? Do we really see each other? Or is it easier to keep talking about our golf scores. I guess it probably is.
The other is hard. It's messy. We might not like all that we see. We might not be in control anymore if we chose to see and get honest. But there is a question that must be asked: is it worth it?

Hijacked by the ADD loving husband

2008-02-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

Top 3 favorite things of living with an ADD person
1. I am an expert finder of things. Evidenced by last nights frantic search for a lost cell phone from one of our favorite college students. When all hope was lost, I found it. Thank you for the hours of searching for keys, cell phones, credit cards, clothes, bibles, 'you know that one thing I lost', and many other things.
2. Keeping track of the most random schedule. My wife is a personal trainer, youth pastor, volunteer, barista, spa receptionist, and is even trying to write a few things to get published. I lose track sometimes! Oh, and an incredibly mom and she can cook!
3. Having a wife that is willing to do whatever it takes for people... while radically living out the call of Christ at any cost.

"The real test of the saint is not preaching the gospel, but washing disciples' feet, that is, doing the things that do not count in the actual estimate of men but count everything in the estimate of God" -Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest

My wife is a living breathing example of this statement by some genius dude named Oswald Chambers. There are times where both of us would love recognition, the perfect handclap of praise (yeah charismatics!) and other badges and medals engraved with great statements about us. Even just to be paid what we feel we are worth... as you can see, that is not always how God lets things roll in our lives. My wife has worked without pay, forgotten to pick up her paycheck, and worked for beans over and over in order to walk alongside of kids, teenagers, and other folks who are the forgotten ones. The emo kid who everyone thinks needs to grow up, the loud 9th grader who needs to blow his nose, the college girl struggling to find her identity amidst beer and men... she is always there for the outcast, the broken, the overlooked, the neglected. Providing space, relationship, hope, and truth... For that I am grateful, which brings me to our next adventure-

As some of you have heard, we are going to start the adoption process very soon. This has been a dream of ours for a while. The bible calls us to care for the orphans and widows... in the rich white suburbs we live in, we see many people neglect families. Not by sheer choice, but because they think that the best way to raise a kid is by giving their child everything they ever would want, need, desire, or maybe think is cool for five minutes. So you have kids walking around with fancy cell phones, pink cameras, trendy clothes, but lack love, guidance, and a good swift kick in the pants. Yes, I did have an 8th grader once ask me to tie his shoes, and a senior that had never taken out the garbage and made himself a PBJ EVER! He had a butler do it.. hah. It begins to drain on you as you get swept up in keeping up with joneses. God likes to teach us crazy lessons in very tangible ways (I am your provider- here is $2,000) He has burdened our hearts to buck the suburban trend- and now he is asking to do it even more by adopting an African American girl. (Hannah already knows- Amy can fill you in on those details she tells better stories). which means our family is going to change as we will experience racism, those weird looks, and a whole nother world.

My last favorite things about my ADD wife is the fact that adoption is incredibly expensive. We have no money, yet there is nothing stopping her from adopting. She says 'God wants us to- lets start it:. Wheras I say, let me research the many ways we can get the money in order to absolutely plan for every possible problem and have the best way to be able to do this in the best possible time by the best possible people (and on and on and on - Amy already stopped listening). Please pray for me that I could have the faith of an ADD mom. Also pray that we would find the right adoption agency. Amy took one look at the one I had found and said- no they're dumb. They are not of God (one of her favorite phrases). Hah! Thanks Amy for always being yourself, for taking me on a crazy ride, and losing your keys, credit card, and shirt (it was in her car- we don't know how it got there)... I love you! Oh- and you are a phenomenal mom. The first thing hannah says to me this morning is "Mommy work?" when I said yes, she rolled over, whined, and would not let me pick her up...

Ted the non-ADD husband

Tears

2008-02-11T05:11:00.000-08:00

Last night pushed me beyond the place where you can hold it all in. Last night there came a point when the tears finally escaped my eyes, ran down my face and landed on my pillow. Let this be said, I don't like crying. It's too uncontrolled...too weak...too honest. And probably everything that I actually need to be.
My heart hurts. It's been a painful week. There are those fantastic moments where I just don't know if I can keep going. And I realized that my blog has painted this pretty, challenged but altogether portrayal. That's not life. Right now, each hour is hard. Right now, there are moments when I swear I won't be able to make it through the week. There are moments when I wonder if my heart can actually take one more blow. I can't wait for a silver-lining. I can't wait for relief. But in the midst, I struggle. People's actions, non-actions and all the other facts of life hurts. But the thing is, somewhere in the deepest portions of me, I have hope. I won't try and pull off the great Christian, I have hope message here. I wanted to write these great things about dying on a cross would seem like a very bad day that couldn't be turned around, and yet Jesus took care of that. I wanted to write these great statements about how God has continually shown that He is the God who can always do the impossible. But quite honestly, my words sounded hokey. Don't get me wrong, I know these things within the depths of me, I just couldn't find a way to write it that did it justice and didn't sound like some recycled preacher's kid retort. Let's be honest, that's some big stuff to try and give it justice. But the short version is, I have hope. It's hard. But the struggle is worth it.

Here's a portion of a song that basically runs through my head's Ipod. (Yes, my head has one - I'm ADD)

Even though I walk, through the valley of the shadow of death
I won't turn back 'cause I know You are near.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be then name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Now granted, that's not the whole song. And for some of you, the whole "blessed be Your name" thing may sound kind of strange. If you ever have questions about it or anything else, let's talk.
Hope this message finds you well...and honest. The charade is not so much fun.

Constipation Station (Similar to conjunction junction?)

2008-02-10T11:27:00.001-08:00

There are moments when I feel what I would term, "writer's constipation." Granted, I don't know that I am worthy of the title, writer, but at this moment, the constipation portion seems to speak directly into my situation. There are so many lessons and thoughts and pursuits rumbling around within me and yet, I cannot for the life of me seem to find a way to allow them to exit my body. And thus, you land in writer's constipation. The feeling of the need to go and no feasible way to get the process started. Too bad prune juice wouldn't work for this.
But in the midst of this, I guess I can explore the last few days. My body, mind and soul have been tired. I have had one meeting after the other and I feel like in some ways I missed out on a good portion of my daughter's life this week. And the moments that I was around, I was so tired that I didn't realize the gift it was to be in her presence, and I found myself frustrated with the fact that she was acting like a 2 yr old, even though she is 2 and that should be okay.
It's been one of those weeks where it seemed like everyone was doing things to upset me. I walked around feeling unloved and disrespected and a little beaten down. I was doing an amazing job of thinking of myself.
And though that seemed like it should be my right, I was miserable. Until I realized I need to take a mandatory day off, a Sabbath, just like God told us to. (Imagine that, He knows how to live out life better than me...) And I realized that it was time to pursue those around me, my husband and my super cool rockstar daughter. I gave Ted the morning off and took Hannah out on a date. I tried to do everything that she would love, even if it was a challenge for me. And you know what I found? Joy. Loads of it. Enough to revive my deadening heart. Enough to leave me sitting around constantly talking about how great that date was. Enough for years of warm fuzzies to continually dance around within my heart. God wasn't kidding around when He said that we are "to look to the interest of others before we look to our own..." And what I love about God is that He didn't just have someone write that down, He gave us story after story showing us how that truly is the best way to live. And to top it all off, Jesus came and lived it out. It's pretty sweet.

Sorry, this isn't so packaged. In fact, it's a little awkward. But, to relieve constipation, I guess you have to try and engage in the act if you're ever going to relieve the pressure. Hopefully things will start to work themselves out in the process.
And I hope to write soon about the message at my church this morning. I was nearly brought to tears by the most beautiful description of the creation of Adam and Eve this morning and the ramifications it holds for us as men and women. Unbelievable stuff. Feel free to check my church's website out and listen to Matt's portion of the message at www.getalifechurch.com Just download the message from today, 2-10-08. Curt starts everything out and then Matt continues. (And then Mark finishes because in the midst of all this, Matt proposed to his soon to be wife!) All portions are great, but specifically, listen to the Hebrew background on the creation of Adam and then Eve. You may cry, too!

PS: When I first started to write this, I had Hannah sitting right next to me. I told her I'd read her what I wrote and she could tell me what she her ideas to make it better. Her response: Cookies. And you know what, I think she's right.

An unforgettable phone call

2008-02-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

I remember the phone call distinctly. When I looked to see who was calling, the caller ID indicated it was one of my closest students. I picked up the phone with a cheerful, "Hello, friend." But something in her voice told me there was a problem. And in fact there was. She called to inform me that one of my former youth group students had committed suicide.
My mind went nuts. How on earth could this be? Part of me wanted to argue, part of me questioned if this student had her facts right, part of me couldn't believe that I hadn't fallen into a heap on the floor. I beat my head on the table and tried to talk myself out of throwing up. I thanked this friend for letting me know and hung up the phone as I tried to gather my head. I looked over at my daughter and tears started to form. I grabbed her out of the high chair and pulled her into my body. Come to think of it, I probably squeezed her so tightly that the two year old in her didn't know what to do. There I held my daughter in my arms and all I could think about was that poor, precious mother. She shared the same memories of squeezing her little girl. She could recall baking cookies, making mud pies and everything else that goes along with having a beautiful little girl. And as I sat there and pondered how she had no idea this day would come, I was overwhelmed with grief. I mean, I had lost my student, but this mom had lost a portion of herself. They were intertwined.
I squeezed my daughter a little closer that day. I shared many more "I love you's" and sappy, weepy moments with her. I started praying for all that she will face as she continues to be out in the real world. And I started praying that God would somehow comfort that mother.

There is so much more that I want to write. From what it was like attending the funeral to just trying to process this horrible experience to guilt over the things left unsaid to everything else in between. But for today, that's enough.

God even speaks through the poo

2008-01-24T13:29:00.000-08:00

Life with a crazy awesome kid is always eventful...to say the least. I had always wondered what God would teach me through her. I've asked God frequently to help me to learn from her. Maybe that wasn't the best idea...
You see, the other night, Hannah pooped, reached into her diaper and smeared it everywhere. (because that's the only logical thing to do, right?) It was unbelievably disgusting. I walked in to see poop smeared all over the front of her hot pink PJ's, but that was the least of my worries. Hannah decided to be inspired by all of her friends at the spa: she gave her hair poop highlights and she basically looked as though she had tried to give herself a manicure and pedicure in poop as well. She was screaming and crying and waving her poopy hands around in the air... like she just don't care... The smell alone was enough to encourage my dinner to start to make a return appearance from my stomach. It was the most obscenely disgusting scene I had ever beheld. And it was MY daughter somewhere in that poopy mess.
But like I said, she was terrified and she longed for me to hold her and tell her that she would be okay. I'm not gonna lie, I thought for at least 3 seconds about trying to find some other way to comfort her. I did not want to be covered in poop myself. But when I saw that scared, "Mommy, I am having some serious trouble here" look in her eyes, every thought went out the window (if only the smell had as well) and I pulled my daughter into my arms as poop continued to overtake our bodies. I couldn't just stand there. This little poop covered girl is the love of my life. She owns my heart. I love her more than almost anything else. And when she was hurting, I couldn't care what it meant for me. I had to help her. I had to let her know that I would go through the poop with her.
She cried for a few minutes while I just held her and tried to sing her a song to quiet her down. And though it was a terribly intricate and painful process, Ted and I slowly cleaned off every portion of poop and ran her through the shower and went to every possible disinfecting technique we could come up with. She cried. I don't know if it hurt her or scared her or she was just so overcome with the emotion that consumes you when you find yourself covered in poo, but she wailed throughout our thorough cleaning process. But we couldn't stop... We couldn't just leave her like that. We couldn't just clean her up part of the way. And though she cried and cried, we slowly and surely cleaned her up, disinfected her, her room and we rocked her back to sleep. I learned a lot that day. It was pretty amazing. I realized a piece of who I am and who God is. I realized a lot of what Jesus went through for me and a lot of what my healing process has looked like. So there ya go, lessons from the crib.

Disclaimer: I do not recommend or wish that any of you ever has to go through that. Just let God speak to you through our ordeal...

Side note: Hannah is with me right now as I'm about to post this - and she just started to poop. Timing in life is full of hilarity.

You gotta be kidding me?!?

2008-01-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

I think I fell more in love with my family today. I don’t completely know why…it’s probably because I prayed that I would or maybe I just finally stopped and saw them for who they always have been. But today I see the distinct amazing-ness that is living with them. Specifically, I noticed today how magnificent my daughter truly is. It’s not that I didn’t notice before, but today, I saw even more. I saw what a miracle she is. I saw the beauty that is her and the love that she displays all the time. I watched her have true love and compassion for a handicapped kid. I saw her eyes beaming with love for me. My heart realized what I oftentimes pass over during the day – how wonderful and precious every second is that I get to spend with her. I spent a little time working out today and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was the luckiest mom in the world to have a daughter that is so precious, a daughter that is so expressive with her dark brown little eyes, a daughter who is wildly obsessed with all things Elmo, a daughter who begs to sing the little sing, “Our God is So Big, So Strong and So Mighty, there’s nothing our God cannot do, for you,” a daughter who is fascinated by snow and could say the word, “snowman” over and over again for hours, a daughter who thinks brushing her teeth is an adventure and would do it 24/7 if I let her. Every moment with her is the most incredible gift. When I get her in the mornings, I am overwhelmed by the adorable-ness of the little one in that bed…she is unbelievable. And I don’t understand it, but for some reason, God gave me the privilege of all those hugs and giggles and smiles and “Hi, Mommy’s” and moments where she laughs so hard that she falls over. How He decided I should get to enjoy that everyday, I’ll never know. But I am so grateful.

Unreal happenings in midwestern suburbia

2008-01-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

So like I said before...I have an amazing little girl. And I always prayed that there would be a special song that God would give me to sing to her throughout life that would calm her down and be a source of comfort...a song that oozed love and that "everything will be okay" feel no matter what was going on. It just so happens, her song is an old hymn entitled, "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus." For months, I have wondered what God might have been saying about her life. I've wondered what this song might mean for her... What is her life going to look like? What hard times will she face? How will this song impact her life? You see, this song is about trusting Jesus at His word. It's about a completely other way of life - it's about trusting when everything within you wants to live in a padded room where bouncing off the walls because of the difficult nature of your circumstances is acceptable. It's about laying aside questioning and trying to figure it all out and just resting in the fact that God WILL take care of you. And for months now I've prayed that this will be the kind of life she'll live...the kind of life that will define our family.
Too bad God decided to take me up on that prayer. (ah - the joys of life with God)
These past few months have been difficult to say the least. We've struggled to make ends meet because the cost of living up here is so high and let's just say ministry doesn't always pay the big bucks. A couple of months ago, we hit bottom financially. Long story short, Ted's car died in a cemetery (I'll explain all this another time), Hannah had taken it upon herself to get so sick that she eliminated any hope she ever had of a college fund, and we were faced with a lot of pretty papers called bills on our kitchen table that demanded we give money and no funds in the bank to pay them.
We prayed. Or something like that. We joked. We joked about how it seemed like the people who were running after money and all that stuff were smarter than us who were trying to follow God. We prayed asking God to help us, but really wondering if He could...or if He would. We tried to believe He would take care of us, but that pretty pile of bills seemed insurmountable.
Yeah...insurmountable?
My husband went to what he calls his "old man Bible study" three days later. (The guys in the Bible study are not that old...) Afterwards, one of the guys pulled him aside and told him that he had received a bonus at work. He explained that he felt like God wanted him to share part of it with us. At that point, he pulled out his checkbook and handed Ted a check for $2000.
We couldn't believe it. This meant we could actually pay our bills. We were blown away by his generosity - I mean, this guy has two kids in college and yet, he gave us this money. God came through for us when it seemed impossible.
Too bad God wasn't done answering my prayer.
This past month, we had to refinance our mortgage. Again, even though we've been budgeting pretty wisely, we didn't know how we would be able to afford the new payment. I mean - we try to save and yet with our paychecks we have nothing left over at the end of every month. That said, we found ourselves in the same predicament again. How on earth could we still live in this area? How could we afford to live here?
And then we got a phone call. A guy from our church said he had something for us he wanted to drop by. He came over and handed us a thick envelope. He said he was told to deliver this to us. When we opened it we found $2000 in cash inside the envelope. Ted fell down on his knees. I'm pretty sure neither of us had every seen that much cash in our entire lives. And again, we had enough to go ahead and refinance and be able to keep our townhouse, even though this time, we didn't even know who had helped us.
You'd think that we were set now, right? Yeah...not so much.
Our daughter has had chronic ear infections. For the past three months she has been sick and has been in a ton of pain. And now she has to have surgery. And because of the joys of insurance and a new year we are going to have to pay for her surgery out of our own pockets. (Ministry insurance isn't always the best either) Couple this with the fact that Ted's car died AGAIN and not only do we need to pay for it to be fixed...we also technically, need another car. (Which we've been praying for months about) And again, we're sitting here wondering how we can make it.
Well, last night, I started to sing Hannah's hymn and I nearly burst into tears. I realized, especially in light of the past few months, it really is sweet to trust in Jesus - even though it's hard. But then I got to the chorus - "How I've proved Him o'er and o'er" and something amazing happened - for the first time in her little life - Hannah started singing along. Granted, she wasn't exactly wordalicious with the whole deal, but she started singing beautifully and happily as only a little 2 year old can. And I realize that this is our family's song. And somehow God has communicated to my daughter that our family will be brought through all of this. That we will sing His praises forever - because it really is so sweet to trust in Jesus...just to take Him at His word, just to rest upon His promise and to know thus saith the Lord...Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er...Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus...O for grace to trust Him more.
And so far, He's giving us that grace...

Thanks for listening/reading...

Yeah...this is awkward

2008-01-08T05:51:00.000-08:00

This all started as a desire to write (and hopefully remember for once) all that is going on in our lives. I guess I should start with the facts. I'm ADD. I swear that it is a gift from God, but sometimes it also runs my life. It took me seven years to graduate from college and three of those years were spent trying to finish one last class that my college decided was mandatory for my acceptance into graduate-hood. (But here's a little secret - I still haven't turned in all the paperwork, so though I am graduated in spirit and I enjoy the deep feeling of liberation - they technically still own my soul...)
I have an amazing husband that somehow puts up with me. We've had a wild ride to say the least. I'll share more stories in days or weeks to come (depending on how well I do at keeping this up) but, it's been worth it. We met in a youth ministry class in college and when I first met him I swore I would never date him...and then I married him even though he broke his foot severely two days before our wedding. (yeah, that's a good story as well)
And then, surprise, surprise, God gave us a beautiful little girl about two years into our marriage. I never thought I would be a mom and if I were one, I thought I would be horrible at it. But, I have a rockstar of a daughter and though I may not be the greatest mom in the world, she's still surviving. And though it may be due to the limited vocabulary that confines a two-year old...she hasn't complained as of yet.
So there...that's me. Well, wait, it's not. There's more. I guess the biggest part of me is that I am engaged in this amazing dance of following Jesus. I'm sure I'll talk more about it later, but I'm doing my best and praying like crazy to follow Jesus with everything that I have and to do the whole loving my neighbor thing and God with all that I have. And that will probably define a lot of my posts. And with that, my husband and I work with youth in a crazy area outside Chicago. Our days, nights and everything else are spent showing God's love to kids that have often gone through a little bit of everything. And there is nothing we'd rather do...EVER. The fact that we get to hear the stories of these kids and that we get to see God change their lives is the most fantastic gift we could ever have. So...there. I'll do my best to start writing the deep and the real and the brokenness and the funny stories of our lives in days to come. Thanks for even reading...