The decision

Okay...side note. I wrote this a few weeks ago as I was processing the whole decision to try ADD medication. (Thus the title of my blog...) I've now started and though it's still a struggle, I realize what a great gift it is. So here's my processing moment from a few weeks ago. There's more, but I'll post that later...


Failure. I feel like I’ve hit it.
We’ve decided that it’s time for me to go on medication. (for ADD) Well…I say “we” but really Ted probably decided it was a good idea a long time ago and I am finally yielding to his superior idea. And though I know in my head this has to be a good idea, my heart is a broken mess of feeling failure, inadequacy, and a whole lot of sadness that I just wasn’t able to live life on my own.
I’m not enough.
But the truth is, I’m tired of this lifestyle. I’m tired of too many ideas becoming like a bouncy ball bonanza in my head. (And yes there is a website with that as a title – google it…) I’m tired of being so overwhelmed by the ridiculously amazing list of things I want to accomplish and sitting there unable to do anything until we’re within hours of the deadline. I’m tired of my inability to respond to email. I’m tired of finding thank you and thinking about you notes from years ago that I just never mailed. (Still have some from my wedding, so if you didn’t get one…I probably have it and I am far too ashamed to send it.) I’m tired of the constant feeling that if I could just sit down and think I could change the world. I’m tired of brilliant ideas that float in and out of my head. I’m tired of having people ask me how my weekend was and the blank stare that habitually overcomes my face because I genuinely cannot remember what I did that weekend. (And that’s without the help of any substances.) I am tired of making my 3 yr. old pray that we can find Mommy’s keys so that we can arrive to our destination a good 20 minutes late. I’m tired of all of my friends realizing that when we set a time to hang out, they can afford to be 5-10 minutes late because there is no way on God’s green earth that I’ll be there on time. I’m tired of the shame that comes when my daughter has to bring me my phone that I lost again and again. I’m tired of taking classes, asking teachers for ridiculously long extensions, sitting blankly in front of a computer screen and then finally (up to a semester or 2 later) turning in the work all to receive what would have been an A.
So I guess it’s time to get help. I guess it’s time to be able to really live my dreams that are vivid and yet uncompleted due to ADD. So here I am, realizing it’s okay. Or maybe not within my soul, but at least in my head. Well, that’s a start, right?





So there's a start. I put it out there. As absolutely terrifying as it was. And so, I'll post a picture. That makes everything better, right?

Oh, ya know...

I don't know the last time that I had a full and complete at least somewhat rational thought. This would be me on the downward spiral of ADD. This is where I can't think at all. And I feel like I'm completely stuck drowning in this pit.
So many things are racing through my head. Anger towards parents who love to complain about their kids, joy over taking Jayden to the pool for the first time and the precious moment you experience when you realize how amazing it is that you get to see this little person's firsts..., gratitude for my church and the amazingly broken, honest, committed people there, embarrassment over the hypocrisy in my life, and it just keeps going.
But the one thing I'm trying to cling to just happened. I was so frustrated with Jayden. (my 7 month old little man) He wouldn't stop crying and it was beyond time for him to be napping. His preferred method of coping at that moment: screaming. I was so angry with him. I wanted to just walk away. I found myself ridiculously frustrated that he doesn't understand much English and that you just couldn't reason with him and help him see that napping would clearly be the best thing for all of us.
And then I realized. That's me. And God never walks out on me.
I looked deep into Jayden's eyes. I apologized for how angry I was with him. And I made a vow that went something like this:

Jayden Michael, I vow to love you. I vow that I will continually come back to giving you everything I have for all the days that God gives me. I vow to remember that you are an incredible gift and that even in the hard moments, it is an extreme privilege to walk through life with you. I vow to give you all that I can as your mommy. I vow to carry you when you need it (hopefully representing how God carries you), to hold your hand when life is hard and to watch and be your biggest fan when you don't need me. I vow to do my best to help you learn to depend on Jesus and to show you what His love for you looks like - the crazy, reckless, amazing love that He showed by His life and by His death. I vow to keep pursuing God and letting Him rip out and redo all the ugly, messy, warped areas of my life from my own issues and the things others have done in my life as well. I vow to give you all the love I can give, even when it's hard.


I think what I said was better then and that's when it mattered anyway. But there's an idea. And in an attempt to throw rocks at my ridiculous obsession with only putting "perfect" things out into the view of others...here it is unedited. And unperfect. And with a big thank you to my husband for teaching me that is okay to fail. I'm a blessed girl.
Great friends. Great man. Great God. Great church. Great spa... And GREAT kids

A beautiful day in my neighborhood

I sometimes feel like the poster child for ADD. In an effort to post something of worth even if I don't have time to write and process all the thoughts bouncing around in my head (and yes, they do bounce), I thought I could at least post something that describes the beauty before me on a daily basis. So here's a little peek into what I get to enjoy everyday. I'm a fan. (And Katie, you're still a blender, right?)

ADD ramblings, wrestlings and thoughts

If I could give you a picture of the circus currently going on in my head, you would probably need to envision a raging bull that had just consumed 24 Mountain Dews, saw a red flag and found himself boxed in a small cage constraining his movements to only a mere twitch. Restless might describe my current state, but alas, the bull mental picture was a much more exciting venture with words. Ah, ADD.
My mind is inundated with thoughts, questions, wrestling of the soul, running commentaries, dreams and the like. I'm bombarded with the desire to race ahead in life. I don't want it to be now anymore. Because now is waiting. Now is twiddling my thumbs. Now is obsessively checking my email to see if maybe I'll get one that makes a difference. Now is the anticipation of great moments, hard times, and yet experiencing none of the above with no guarantee as to the great moments or hard times actually playing themselves out. Now is risky. Now could turn any direction at any given moment, but is currently not turning at all. Now is still. (Yep, definitely just checked my email for one of those life-changing messages that never seem to come. I am ridiculous.)
So where am I going with this? Right now - no where, and quite quickly, might I add.
Since I find myself in a losing battle of ADD sucking my brain dry and me handing myself over to it on a sliver platter, I will write as an ADD person. Here are some of my thoughts:

Sometimes, life sucks. I mean, it doesn't and yet it does all at the same time. Right now I'm watching as some good friends have been dealt a hefty blow in life. My heart aches for them. I wish there were something I could do, but there honestly isn't...except listening and praying. And it's hard because I feel like it's nothing, and yet, part of me knows it's got to be everything. I just keep coming to God, begging Him for some sort of way to change things for them, to let me walk through it so they don't have to, to just have some word or some act that would just make it better. And I find I've got a whole bunch of nothing. Nothing except talking to Him. And though I don't totally get it and it frustrates me and I'm dumbfounded by the idea, I think that's everything.
In the past few days as I've poured out my everything to Jesus, my frustrations for my friends, my anger that this could happen to such precious people and my mental exhaustion over the idea that all I can do is pray, I keep coming to this thought: If I could really see the world for what it is, if I really saw things the way they are - the way God sees them, I might realize that is everything. Prayer is everything. It is huge. That dialogue with God mixed with the faith of a mustard seed supposedly has a track record of being able to move mountains. (Which I will SOOOOO admit I don't fully understand) And so I cling and pray and wrestle and come back humbled to think that one day I may get the chance to see how much prayer actually does. And how little I did it. So here's to mystically somehow having an incredible thing to offer my friends that doesn't feel like much, but I guess does untold things... If only I could see how huge - maybe God will start showing me. And maybe in a lot of ways He already has... (Sorry, you are now just following the course of my thought process. I am no longer trying to form witty explanations and put-together stories)

Other thoughts...God has seriously amazed me. A few years ago, I was a voice major at Indiana University. I had studied voice for 7 years or so. (Shout out to the Youth Performing Arts School in Louisville, KY) It had been my life. I had dreams of continuing in performing and all sorts of crazy stuff. And then God asked me to give it up and let Him bring it back when it was time. Not like never sing - not even to your kids or anything, but more of a don't study it in school, don't pursue opportunities to sing, just let it go for now. And through tears and a lack of trust combined with a lot of trust - I did. And during that time, Jesus taught me a lot. A lot about the god I had made it, the pride I had with it, the constant analyzing I did to it. I also had the privilege of taking amazing classes at Wheaton College about ministry and working with youth and counseling and such. (Even though Wheaton was an incredibly hard place for me to be) Through those years I have worked with some of the MOST AMAZING youth that ever were - hands down. I have had the privilege of hearing their stories and walking through life with them, even if it was for a short period of time. I spent my time in coffee shops and restaurants with the UNBELIEVABLE chance to hear their stories and talk with them about Jesus. I would not trade ANY of those moments for the world. And I still remember Starbucks dates, basement convos, Chili's dinners and the like and coming home in awe of the fact that I got to listen to them and pray and care. And now, though I still get to do some of that, be it over Skype or amidst piles of toys with homemade chai lattes, I think God may be bringing this part back. But new and better and sacred-like. I've decided (though in true Amy form, I go back and forth wondering how on earth I can actually make this a reality to then chasing after it full force to doubting again to dreaming of every little detail...well, you get the point. Oooh, look at me prefacing before I ever say anything AGAIN!) that I'm going to put together a recital/concerty type thing of sorts. (Like the non-committal Amy lingo there? Quality.) I'm excited. Nervous. Terrifed. And electrified. But in the midst of it all, I'm blown away that God remembered. He didn't forget me. And He's made it so much better than it was before. And how amazing is it that He'd let me make music? I get to create. I'm so excited I seriously could wet my pants. And for those of you who know me, you realize it won't be a normal recital at all. I have all sorts of crazy ideas floating around. I'm just hoping I won't let it stay floating like I usually do in all my ADD procrastinating glory, but that this time, I chase it down. I have a feeling that the ADD people in attendance that night will totally love it and the non-ADD portion of the audience will have mental whiplash... Oh well.
But really quickly, how amazing is it that God loves me enough not to forget? It makes me tear up. He would let me do this? I'm still in awe.
Which brings me to another thought - I've been reading one of the books of the Bible called Exodus. And I've been reading the whole part where God brings the people out of Egypt and such and when He starts the whole deal and comes to Moses, God tells him that He has SEEN their pain and HEARD their cries. That makes me cry. He doesn't just stay removed. He's all over it. He's been there with them. Kinda cool.

More thoughts:
My kids rock
My husband is really neat.
Jesus has given me some amazing friends. Friends I can actually share all of me with and they don't run away screaming. That's beyond cool.
I am in love with photography and I desperately want to capture amazing moments. And I'm searching out how... If you see my kids walking around with a strange look in their eyes it's probably from overexposure to the flash on my new camera.
I am a blessed lady to have a husband that can handle the ADD madness and he still believes in me. He still pushes me to chase dreams... And for some reasons he takes all of my random dreams and ideas on how to change the world and what to pursue next and he actually believes in me and helps make it happen. I'm more blessed than I even know.
I've got a real writing piece brewing in my mind about Hannah's latest poop issues and what God's been showing me through it about my own sin. Oh yeah...
We have a really cool church and if anyone reading this lives around the Chicago area and wants to come - we'd love it. It's not perfect, but it's really neat. Quality peeps.
I think about all the kids I know who are in college now ALL the time. (And the middle and high schoolers from Life Church and Campus Lifers and badminton girls) Yep, if you're one of them, I probably think about you and pray for you a lot. And possibly facebook stalk you...awkward moment. I don't do a good enough job of letting you all know though. But I'm beyond grateful for every one of you.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that an amazing lady, Kelly Schmidt was born today. Don't know what I'd do without her. My house feels really empty with her at Azusa, but my heart is seriously full because of her in our lives.

Alright, I'm gonna go feed a kid. And maybe give up on the compulsive checking of my email and basic search for something that could possibly change my life right now. Maybe I'll go embrace now. Maybe I'll go enjoy the fact that I have this moment. Maybe I'll go open my soul up to God and just put all of this before Him and let Him sort through the mess and the pieces and the broken parts. He's got mad skills in that area - I've seen it. Really interesting that I still choose to avoid it sometimes...
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed a truly ADD post.

The feeling of nothing to say

Fear. I've been living in it. Afraid to compose...afraid to bare myself. Afraid that I won't have words to ever begin to capture truth. Afraid that my worth is summed up in my lack of ability to put together phrases that might inspire or cast light upon the truth God has given us.
So, basically I have nothing special to say.
But I should be honest about life. An interesting turn of events has transpired. Last we posted in the world wide web - we were planning to adopt. We had sat down and prayed together and finally decided on an adoption agency. We planned to call them on Monday. On Sunday, we found out we were pregnant. (Or actually, that I was pregnant. Ted is not pregnant, but he's a really quality guy) I didn't know how to handle it. I thought I might miscarry. I mean, we were ready to adopt...
I became ashamed as well. Here we were headed into this life-changing, exciting adventure. I felt like we really were going to live life the way God wanted us to. We were about to tangibly care for the orphan - I mean that's some serious God-following, right? We had told everyone - even people we didn't know. Why would God let this happen?
I felt humiliated. And I felt ridiculous for feeling so humiliated. (Gotta love the pits of despair we allow ourselves to drown in) While others oozed with excitement when they heard the news, I visibly didn't share the same sentiment. I couldn't wrap my heart around the fact that we'd told everyone we were going to adopt - my heart was ready to adopt. I had thought about holding that little girl, I had talked with Hannah about her sister that was out there somewhere that we were going to have soon. There was no mistaking that I wasn't excited about the change of events. And from there I piled more guilt upon myself because I wasn't thrilled.
I now sit here in my sixth month of pregnancy. We're having a boy. (I wasn't planning on having a boy, so just cycle through that pit again for me to understand where I was formerly at when I learned the news.) His name is going to be Jayden Michael. Jayden means, "God has heard" and Michael means, "Who is like our God?"
But here is where I stand today. We will still adopt. One day we will have a precious little girl (or at least that's what I think right now - but keep in mind, I've been wrong before) that we'll get to hold in our arms.
(random ADD moment - last night I watched part of Grey's Anatomy and there was a family with a little baby they had just adopted. As the dad finally really embraced her - I nearly lost it and I became even more excited for the day when we get to hold our little girl)
But God for the meantime is giving us Jayden. And that's not a let down. He is a gift and I'm really starting to cherish that gift with every swift kick to my ribs. My prayer is that his life is defined by helping his generation know that God has heard and that He cares. And truly, I can't think of anything much better. And luckily, in the midst of all this, God has taught me enough to know that when I meet this little boy, I will realize that he is incredible and I will thank God over and over for giving him to us and specifically at this time.
And one day I trust God will give us our precious little girl. The one I know He has named "Mine". (The name we've chosen is Mia which means "mine" in Italian) And maybe by then, God will have worked in my heart to not think I'm better than someone else if I adopt. Maybe by then, I won't be so immature as to think that we are so special because we're adopting. Maybe by then, I will realize that everything God does is wise and just and I won't feel ashamed when we don't seem to be as "special" and we seem more "normal" in our journey of following God. (These terms are horrendous, but it's what I've honestly thought if I'm real with myself)
So there's me. Bared. Nothing special to say. But at least I'm no longer living in fear. It wasn't a very nice master. Jesus is way better... You'd think I would have known that.

Hijacked by the ADD loving husband

Top 3 favorite things of living with an ADD person
1. I am an expert finder of things. Evidenced by last nights frantic search for a lost cell phone from one of our favorite college students. When all hope was lost, I found it. Thank you for the hours of searching for keys, cell phones, credit cards, clothes, bibles, 'you know that one thing I lost', and many other things.
2. Keeping track of the most random schedule. My wife is a personal trainer, youth pastor, volunteer, barista, spa receptionist, and is even trying to write a few things to get published. I lose track sometimes! Oh, and an incredibly mom and she can cook!
3. Having a wife that is willing to do whatever it takes for people... while radically living out the call of Christ at any cost.

"The real test of the saint is not preaching the gospel, but washing disciples' feet, that is, doing the things that do not count in the actual estimate of men but count everything in the estimate of God" -Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest

My wife is a living breathing example of this statement by some genius dude named Oswald Chambers. There are times where both of us would love recognition, the perfect handclap of praise (yeah charismatics!) and other badges and medals engraved with great statements about us. Even just to be paid what we feel we are worth... as you can see, that is not always how God lets things roll in our lives. My wife has worked without pay, forgotten to pick up her paycheck, and worked for beans over and over in order to walk alongside of kids, teenagers, and other folks who are the forgotten ones. The emo kid who everyone thinks needs to grow up, the loud 9th grader who needs to blow his nose, the college girl struggling to find her identity amidst beer and men... she is always there for the outcast, the broken, the overlooked, the neglected. Providing space, relationship, hope, and truth... For that I am grateful, which brings me to our next adventure-

As some of you have heard, we are going to start the adoption process very soon. This has been a dream of ours for a while. The bible calls us to care for the orphans and widows... in the rich white suburbs we live in, we see many people neglect families. Not by sheer choice, but because they think that the best way to raise a kid is by giving their child everything they ever would want, need, desire, or maybe think is cool for five minutes. So you have kids walking around with fancy cell phones, pink cameras, trendy clothes, but lack love, guidance, and a good swift kick in the pants. Yes, I did have an 8th grader once ask me to tie his shoes, and a senior that had never taken out the garbage and made himself a PBJ EVER! He had a butler do it.. hah. It begins to drain on you as you get swept up in keeping up with joneses. God likes to teach us crazy lessons in very tangible ways (I am your provider- here is $2,000) He has burdened our hearts to buck the suburban trend- and now he is asking to do it even more by adopting an African American girl. (Hannah already knows- Amy can fill you in on those details she tells better stories). which means our family is going to change as we will experience racism, those weird looks, and a whole nother world.

My last favorite things about my ADD wife is the fact that adoption is incredibly expensive. We have no money, yet there is nothing stopping her from adopting. She says 'God wants us to- lets start it:. Wheras I say, let me research the many ways we can get the money in order to absolutely plan for every possible problem and have the best way to be able to do this in the best possible time by the best possible people (and on and on and on - Amy already stopped listening). Please pray for me that I could have the faith of an ADD mom. Also pray that we would find the right adoption agency. Amy took one look at the one I had found and said- no they're dumb. They are not of God (one of her favorite phrases). Hah! Thanks Amy for always being yourself, for taking me on a crazy ride, and losing your keys, credit card, and shirt (it was in her car- we don't know how it got there)... I love you! Oh- and you are a phenomenal mom. The first thing hannah says to me this morning is "Mommy work?" when I said yes, she rolled over, whined, and would not let me pick her up...

Ted the non-ADD husband

Tears

Last night pushed me beyond the place where you can hold it all in. Last night there came a point when the tears finally escaped my eyes, ran down my face and landed on my pillow. Let this be said, I don't like crying. It's too uncontrolled...too weak...too honest. And probably everything that I actually need to be.
My heart hurts. It's been a painful week. There are those fantastic moments where I just don't know if I can keep going. And I realized that my blog has painted this pretty, challenged but altogether portrayal. That's not life. Right now, each hour is hard. Right now, there are moments when I swear I won't be able to make it through the week. There are moments when I wonder if my heart can actually take one more blow. I can't wait for a silver-lining. I can't wait for relief. But in the midst, I struggle. People's actions, non-actions and all the other facts of life hurts. But the thing is, somewhere in the deepest portions of me, I have hope. I won't try and pull off the great Christian, I have hope message here. I wanted to write these great things about dying on a cross would seem like a very bad day that couldn't be turned around, and yet Jesus took care of that. I wanted to write these great statements about how God has continually shown that He is the God who can always do the impossible. But quite honestly, my words sounded hokey. Don't get me wrong, I know these things within the depths of me, I just couldn't find a way to write it that did it justice and didn't sound like some recycled preacher's kid retort. Let's be honest, that's some big stuff to try and give it justice. But the short version is, I have hope. It's hard. But the struggle is worth it.

Here's a portion of a song that basically runs through my head's Ipod. (Yes, my head has one - I'm ADD)

Even though I walk, through the valley of the shadow of death
I won't turn back 'cause I know You are near.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be then name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name


Now granted, that's not the whole song. And for some of you, the whole "blessed be Your name" thing may sound kind of strange. If you ever have questions about it or anything else, let's talk.
Hope this message finds you well...and honest. The charade is not so much fun.

God even speaks through the poo

Life with a crazy awesome kid is always eventful...to say the least. I had always wondered what God would teach me through her. I've asked God frequently to help me to learn from her. Maybe that wasn't the best idea...
You see, the other night, Hannah pooped, reached into her diaper and smeared it everywhere. (because that's the only logical thing to do, right?) It was unbelievably disgusting. I walked in to see poop smeared all over the front of her hot pink PJ's, but that was the least of my worries. Hannah decided to be inspired by all of her friends at the spa: she gave her hair poop highlights and she basically looked as though she had tried to give herself a manicure and pedicure in poop as well. She was screaming and crying and waving her poopy hands around in the air... like she just don't care... The smell alone was enough to encourage my dinner to start to make a return appearance from my stomach. It was the most obscenely disgusting scene I had ever beheld. And it was MY daughter somewhere in that poopy mess.
But like I said, she was terrified and she longed for me to hold her and tell her that she would be okay. I'm not gonna lie, I thought for at least 3 seconds about trying to find some other way to comfort her. I did not want to be covered in poop myself. But when I saw that scared, "Mommy, I am having some serious trouble here" look in her eyes, every thought went out the window (if only the smell had as well) and I pulled my daughter into my arms as poop continued to overtake our bodies. I couldn't just stand there. This little poop covered girl is the love of my life. She owns my heart. I love her more than almost anything else. And when she was hurting, I couldn't care what it meant for me. I had to help her. I had to let her know that I would go through the poop with her.
She cried for a few minutes while I just held her and tried to sing her a song to quiet her down. And though it was a terribly intricate and painful process, Ted and I slowly cleaned off every portion of poop and ran her through the shower and went to every possible disinfecting technique we could come up with. She cried. I don't know if it hurt her or scared her or she was just so overcome with the emotion that consumes you when you find yourself covered in poo, but she wailed throughout our thorough cleaning process. But we couldn't stop... We couldn't just leave her like that. We couldn't just clean her up part of the way. And though she cried and cried, we slowly and surely cleaned her up, disinfected her, her room and we rocked her back to sleep. I learned a lot that day. It was pretty amazing. I realized a piece of who I am and who God is. I realized a lot of what Jesus went through for me and a lot of what my healing process has looked like. So there ya go, lessons from the crib.

Disclaimer: I do not recommend or wish that any of you ever has to go through that. Just let God speak to you through our ordeal...

Side note: Hannah is with me right now as I'm about to post this - and she just started to poop. Timing in life is full of hilarity.

Yeah...this is awkward

This all started as a desire to write (and hopefully remember for once) all that is going on in our lives. I guess I should start with the facts. I'm ADD. I swear that it is a gift from God, but sometimes it also runs my life. It took me seven years to graduate from college and three of those years were spent trying to finish one last class that my college decided was mandatory for my acceptance into graduate-hood. (But here's a little secret - I still haven't turned in all the paperwork, so though I am graduated in spirit and I enjoy the deep feeling of liberation - they technically still own my soul...)
I have an amazing husband that somehow puts up with me. We've had a wild ride to say the least. I'll share more stories in days or weeks to come (depending on how well I do at keeping this up) but, it's been worth it. We met in a youth ministry class in college and when I first met him I swore I would never date him...and then I married him even though he broke his foot severely two days before our wedding. (yeah, that's a good story as well)
And then, surprise, surprise, God gave us a beautiful little girl about two years into our marriage. I never thought I would be a mom and if I were one, I thought I would be horrible at it. But, I have a rockstar of a daughter and though I may not be the greatest mom in the world, she's still surviving. And though it may be due to the limited vocabulary that confines a two-year old...she hasn't complained as of yet.
So there...that's me. Well, wait, it's not. There's more. I guess the biggest part of me is that I am engaged in this amazing dance of following Jesus. I'm sure I'll talk more about it later, but I'm doing my best and praying like crazy to follow Jesus with everything that I have and to do the whole loving my neighbor thing and God with all that I have. And that will probably define a lot of my posts. And with that, my husband and I work with youth in a crazy area outside Chicago. Our days, nights and everything else are spent showing God's love to kids that have often gone through a little bit of everything. And there is nothing we'd rather do...EVER. The fact that we get to hear the stories of these kids and that we get to see God change their lives is the most fantastic gift we could ever have. So...there. I'll do my best to start writing the deep and the real and the brokenness and the funny stories of our lives in days to come. Thanks for even reading...