Failure. I feel like I’ve hit it.
We’ve decided that it’s time for me to go on medication. (for ADD) Well…I say “we” but really Ted probably decided it was a good idea a long time ago and I am finally yielding to his superior idea. And though I know in my head this has to be a good idea, my heart is a broken mess of feeling failure, inadequacy, and a whole lot of sadness that I just wasn’t able to live life on my own.
I’m not enough.
But the truth is, I’m tired of this lifestyle. I’m tired of too many ideas becoming like a bouncy ball bonanza in my head. (And yes there is a website with that as a title – google it…) I’m tired of being so overwhelmed by the ridiculously amazing list of things I want to accomplish and sitting there unable to do anything until we’re within hours of the deadline. I’m tired of my inability to respond to email. I’m tired of finding thank you and thinking about you notes from years ago that I just never mailed. (Still have some from my wedding, so if you didn’t get one…I probably have it and I am far too ashamed to send it.) I’m tired of the constant feeling that if I could just sit down and think I could change the world. I’m tired of brilliant ideas that float in and out of my head. I’m tired of having people ask me how my weekend was and the blank stare that habitually overcomes my face because I genuinely cannot remember what I did that weekend. (And that’s without the help of any substances.) I am tired of making my 3 yr. old pray that we can find Mommy’s keys so that we can arrive to our destination a good 20 minutes late. I’m tired of all of my friends realizing that when we set a time to hang out, they can afford to be 5-10 minutes late because there is no way on God’s green earth that I’ll be there on time. I’m tired of the shame that comes when my daughter has to bring me my phone that I lost again and again. I’m tired of taking classes, asking teachers for ridiculously long extensions, sitting blankly in front of a computer screen and then finally (up to a semester or 2 later) turning in the work all to receive what would have been an A.
So I guess it’s time to get help. I guess it’s time to be able to really live my dreams that are vivid and yet uncompleted due to ADD. So here I am, realizing it’s okay. Or maybe not within my soul, but at least in my head. Well, that’s a start, right?
So there's a start. I put it out there. As absolutely terrifying as it was. And so, I'll post a picture. That makes everything better, right?
2 comments:
I love this photo and that you shared your struggles. I definitely lose my keys, my phone, my train of thought regularly and understand how it feels. :)
I understand EXACTLY how you feel. If you look at my college transcript, you will see the same thing. I just (today) started meds and am curious what this will do. I, also, have conflicted feelings about this, but, at this point, figure I better give something a try. Thanks for putting into words many of the same thoughts I am feeling.
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